These People Should Be Banned From Stepping Foot Inside A Cinema FOREVER
2014.06.09
As a sometimes movie reviewer, I get to watch A LOT of movies while getting paid to share my two cents on why a certain movie is worth watching, or why you might be better off spending your money watching paint dry.
Yes, it's a cushy job. And while netflix fans might beg to differ, there's really nothing quite like watching a story unfold on the big screen.
Of course, heading to the cinema does come with its own fair share of downsides. But it's not the overpriced movie tickets or feeling my legs go numb while queuing up that irks me.
No, the biggest annoyance about catching a movie at the cinema is having spend the next 90 minutes of my life seated among these annoying cinema-goers, while trying my absolute best not to get kicked out for punching someone in the face.
So if you're guilty of any of the traits mentioned below, just wait until either the DVD or torrent comes out. Or at least try to not act surprised once you do wind up with a black eye by the time the end credits roll.
The Questioner
This is the person who ends up talking to the side of your face to find out what's happening on screen, even when you're obviously preoccupied in trying to understand it yourself. Their brains aren't capable of handling so much information and stimulation at once. If you find yourself seated next to such an individual, don't be surprised if you end up missing most of the movie since you'll be too busy trying to explain every single damn scene.
The Commentator
Nobody wants to be seated next to this human embodiment of an IMDB page. This person is just like the questioner, except that instead of asking you things, they'll be happy to ruin your viewing experience by revealing bits of unrelated trivia for the sake of sounding smart.
The Phone Addict
Talk about failing proper cinema etiquette 101. Some people apparently still haven't received the memo on how these devices can be very distracting. Maybe they just enjoy feeling like a badass by rebelling against the rules. But then why spend all that money in the first place just to spend most of the time looking at your hands?
The Shifter
There is just something about this person that makes them unable to sit still long enough without shifting in their seats. They always seem to move in such a way that the entire row can feel their their every movement. This might seem cruel, but cinema owners should seriously consider reserving special areas for those who suffer from this condition.. and also swap the seats with iron maidens.
The Wolfpack
These are the people who simply cannot function without having their friends tagging along everywhere (restrooms included). Not only do they end up hogging all the good seats, being in such close proximity with each other also tends to bring out their rowdy, ignorant idiot side.
The Babysitter
Not all of us are against bringing your kids to the movies (unless of it involves scenes that no kid should be forced to watch). But if that kid is crying or acting like a little brat, do your parental duty by removing them from the hall until they’ve calmed down. Some of us would really like to enjoy our movies in peace without having to give you dirty looks once the lights go on.
The PDA Couple
Despite the fact that they're completely surrounded by strangers, this couple simply can't resist showing the world how much in love they are with each other. For them, watching the opening credits crawl across the screen is such a major turn on, that they're willing to skip out on the rest of the movie just to suck face (and god knows what else!). Do the rest of us prudes a favor, and save the all-out makeout session for until after you get home.
The Spoiler
This is the person who has just watched the movie you're heading to, and simply can't wait to declare what happens at the end. The fact that this person probably only comes to the cinema to ruin it for everyone else is just pathetic.
The Loud Eater
Seriously, how hard is it to chew with your mouth closed? Is there's an anatomical or psychological reason that makes chewing your food sound like there's a demolition going on inside my head? Why not buy something soft like cotton candy? And bubble gum does not count since you're probably going to be cracking and snapping the thing the entire time. If all that fails, just don’t eat. As far as I know, nobody has died of starvation from skipping out on popcorn.
Yes, it's a cushy job. And while netflix fans might beg to differ, there's really nothing quite like watching a story unfold on the big screen.
Of course, heading to the cinema does come with its own fair share of downsides. But it's not the overpriced movie tickets or feeling my legs go numb while queuing up that irks me.
No, the biggest annoyance about catching a movie at the cinema is having spend the next 90 minutes of my life seated among these annoying cinema-goers, while trying my absolute best not to get kicked out for punching someone in the face.
So if you're guilty of any of the traits mentioned below, just wait until either the DVD or torrent comes out. Or at least try to not act surprised once you do wind up with a black eye by the time the end credits roll.
The Questioner
This is the person who ends up talking to the side of your face to find out what's happening on screen, even when you're obviously preoccupied in trying to understand it yourself. Their brains aren't capable of handling so much information and stimulation at once. If you find yourself seated next to such an individual, don't be surprised if you end up missing most of the movie since you'll be too busy trying to explain every single damn scene.
The Commentator
Nobody wants to be seated next to this human embodiment of an IMDB page. This person is just like the questioner, except that instead of asking you things, they'll be happy to ruin your viewing experience by revealing bits of unrelated trivia for the sake of sounding smart.
The Phone Addict
Talk about failing proper cinema etiquette 101. Some people apparently still haven't received the memo on how these devices can be very distracting. Maybe they just enjoy feeling like a badass by rebelling against the rules. But then why spend all that money in the first place just to spend most of the time looking at your hands?
The Shifter
There is just something about this person that makes them unable to sit still long enough without shifting in their seats. They always seem to move in such a way that the entire row can feel their their every movement. This might seem cruel, but cinema owners should seriously consider reserving special areas for those who suffer from this condition.. and also swap the seats with iron maidens.
The Wolfpack
These are the people who simply cannot function without having their friends tagging along everywhere (restrooms included). Not only do they end up hogging all the good seats, being in such close proximity with each other also tends to bring out their rowdy, ignorant idiot side.
The Babysitter
Not all of us are against bringing your kids to the movies (unless of it involves scenes that no kid should be forced to watch). But if that kid is crying or acting like a little brat, do your parental duty by removing them from the hall until they’ve calmed down. Some of us would really like to enjoy our movies in peace without having to give you dirty looks once the lights go on.
The PDA Couple
Despite the fact that they're completely surrounded by strangers, this couple simply can't resist showing the world how much in love they are with each other. For them, watching the opening credits crawl across the screen is such a major turn on, that they're willing to skip out on the rest of the movie just to suck face (and god knows what else!). Do the rest of us prudes a favor, and save the all-out makeout session for until after you get home.
The Spoiler
This is the person who has just watched the movie you're heading to, and simply can't wait to declare what happens at the end. The fact that this person probably only comes to the cinema to ruin it for everyone else is just pathetic.
The Loud Eater
Seriously, how hard is it to chew with your mouth closed? Is there's an anatomical or psychological reason that makes chewing your food sound like there's a demolition going on inside my head? Why not buy something soft like cotton candy? And bubble gum does not count since you're probably going to be cracking and snapping the thing the entire time. If all that fails, just don’t eat. As far as I know, nobody has died of starvation from skipping out on popcorn.
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