If you're going to write and recite your own vows, make sure you practice and remember what you're going to say. Here are the 13 worst opening phrases to start with. Ever. Never make these mistakes.

1. Practice saying your wife's name 2000 times before you make a speech. Or just call her "baby".

2. Past experience not required in this resume.

3. Keep your fetishes to yourself.

4. If you take advice from Macho Man Randy...

5. Keep the truth from everyone, including your wife.

6. Your persistence is scary. Don't share it.

7. Don't ever open with this:

8. If lame is what you're going for..

9. Probably best said in the bedroom.

10. Your foot. In. Your. Mouth.

11. Very good joke, actually.

12. A very wrong time to be saying something like that:

13. And the worst ever...